the tm

the future is now

Alf — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 22:23:00 +0000

wHat i DiD on Me holedays
by Little Jimmy Foster (aged 1 and a half)(ish)

My dad and mum made me get up at 5:30 and do running for SEVEN MILES before i was allowed my Kelloggs No Fat No Sugar Choc All Bran. I then had an apple and then i had to go to my language lessons. I am learning classical Greek, which is where they send yogurt from but mummy says i’m not allowed it cos it’s got all fat in it and despite the fact that I’m only 18 months old I should really not be eating more than 1 gram of fat a day as part of my 6 calorie daily intake.then I went running again as i’d eaten a carrot stick without asking. this skewed my GI index or something and would make me hyperactive so i had to do skipping rope too.after my lunch of tofu and beansprouts i had to register at the Gubberment silo and tell the nice man behind the bullet-proof plexiglass about how much mummy and daddy love me. I told them that i eat five portions of fruit and vengetables a day and run and skip and jump and have a lovely time while my dna is being extracted at nursery school so they can have special doors that only let us KOOL KIDZ who allow our DNA to be taken into the building. all the other SADD KIDDZ get left out because their mums and daddys are criminals who have things to hide because they don’t let their children get scanned or registered. the governemtnt man who came to see us said that because of them we couldn’t have new toys this year and if we all tried really hard to get the BADboys and Girls to register that we could all get a Super Gameboy PS360 each and be allowed to have a tour around the houses of parliament to see a nice man called tony who is like father chrimstas.we then went to the seaside where i had ice cream made from a really KOOL thing called Nanotechnology and GM modified animal fat what is part of the govermnent’s way of keeping SCIENCE and KOOL stuff like thatalive in the UK. they need our money to stop an man called TREVOR ISTS and his WEMBLEY STADIUMS of MASS CONSTRUCTION DELAYED UNTIL 2015.
(etc)

I will survive (but he didn’t)

Alf — Fri, 05 May 2006 15:59:00 +0000

First you were in jail
You were kept inside
Doing anything from eighteen months
Right up to life But your lawyers spent their nights
Proving how you did no wrong
And got you sprung
And now you’ve vanished on the run

Will you come back?
I think we knew
That you’d vanish when we said we were deporting you
We should have put you in the dock
We should have thrown away the key
Cos now it seems you’re in this country
Committing murder and robbery

(etc)

Pop news

Alf — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 22:57:00 +0000

Reports are just coming in from U2 that Bono has been told off by his mum for standing too close to The Edge.

Cloning: Update

Alf — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 23:28:00 +0000

Scientists from the world renowned Society for the Extension and Expansion of Scientific Knowledge And Wisdom Department University Awareness Campaign have today announced the results of their experiments to be the first to successfully clone an egg.

Speaking to our science reporter, R. Sciencereporter, Prof. S. Orr of the Group enthused: “Yay! We’re the frickkin’ best, us!”

Proof, as if you needed it, is featured below.

An egg Another egg

Gang of eleven

Alf — Fri, 06 Jan 2006 13:07:00 +0000

We know that the intriguingly-named Liberal peer Lord Razzle is one of the people behind this “letter of no confidence” that is swishing around the Lib Dems at the moment, but what of the other ten?

Here, we exclusively reveal the names of Charlie Kennedy’s nemeses:

Sir Glenfiddich
Mike Mineapint
Arthur Guinness
Nigel Swift-Halffe
Henry Bacardi
Ann Otheronefortheroad
Jim Andtonic
Helen Absinthe
Martine Nee
Jack Scrumpy

No wonder he’s turned to the drink!

Conservation watch

Alf — Thu, 05 Jan 2006 18:47:00 +0000

It’s good to be green (unless you’re the colour of my work-shirt today, which really isn’t nice).
And with world-wide interest in saving the planet at an all time apathetic “pfft”, it is great to see peoples’ efforts really paying off in one particular area.

A small group of people are helping to save something that in itself is insignificant, but without it, we would all surely perish.

These folks – known as ‘dieters’ have taken a vow to cut down on their intake of ‘calories’. This, they hope, will ensure that the calorie lives on and provides joy and delight to many more generations to come.

And indeed, the results of their work can be seen throughout the world. A trip to calorie haven “Tescos” will allow you to witness the continued spread of the calorie throughout everybody’s lives. Thanks to the dedication of the dieters and their continuing fight to consume as few calories as possible, I have seen with my own eyes sandwiches filled with nearly 1,500 calories; desserts with over 2,000 calories per portion; snacks, treats and pies all designed to contain as many calories as possible. It seems that no matter how many calories people eat, yet more are produced.

Scientists speculate that an exponential growth in calories over the next five years will have a directly inverse effect on energy levels throughout the UK.

Which is, when you think about it, odd.

But, when you think about it, true.

Prof. S. Orr of the International Science Something Or Other Panel For The Dissemination Of Things Scientific Team told us, “As calories are spotted in more and more places around the UK, we are finding that the coverage of the common PS2 is also growing. As is the size of everyone’s arses.”

Congratulations Britain! Our land is swelling with pride – or is the pasties? – and calories are now more prevalent in the UK than ever!

Gas crisis: Resolved

Alf — Tue, 03 Jan 2006 20:41:00 +0000

Market forces and increased global consumption being what they are, our ever-depleting reserves of natural gas have led scientists to discover something called “unnatural gas”.

Whilst they have a process that will allow an infinite amount of unnatural gas to be created, the resulting product has the following disadvantages:

1. It decides whether or not to ignite.
2. It can, at will, change between being a solid, a liquid or a gas. Or something else which science has yet to explain.
3. It smells unnatural. But can have a pine-fresh scent added to disguise this.
4. It can talk. (And not in the nice, friendly British Gas adverts way).
5. For every BTU of unnatural gas used, a tiny piece of your soul is taken away from you.
6. When moving through gas pipes, the sound it makes is in a musical key somewhere near K#.
7. Chemically similar to Bolivian wine.
8. Has a half-life of 25,000 years.

Hopefully a number of these factors can be ironed out soon. And as long as the boffins work it out, we should have a source of cheap, if slightly menacing, energy for the future.

Vladimir Putin has already put in an order for his Comrades in the Ukraine.

Holiday Lore

Alf — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 22:02:00 +0000

Back, back in the old days, this time of year was one of mystery. The pagan and religious significance of the lengthening of the days, shortening of the nights made for a time of great thankfulness and joy.

No day was more anticipated than the first of January.

The people would gather in hushed awe as they waited for the dawning of that day and the supposed arrival of a legendary figure, seen only once a year. Like Santa Claus, New Years Dave would come along and bring joy to thousands. However, unlike St. Nick, he did not come bearing gifts in the traditional sense.

Arriving just after 2:30am in a state that many historical commentators considered “merry”, New Years Dave would stand and yell at the door of your house, your cat and your uncollected milk bottles. He would then proceed to pee up your wall, kick over your dustbin and sick-up on your doormat. All of this, it is speculated, would be accompanied by a mystical tune. Much like the “Auld Lang Syne” we sing today, it would have been filled with traditional cuss-words and threats of violence towards anyone who passed along the street.

The first householder in the area to offer New Years Dave a bed for the night just to get him to shut-up would be blessed by his appearance and thankfulness the following morning.

For only a full English breakfast, the use of the bathroom and directions to the nearest ale-house, New Years Dave would bid the family a fine day, leaving only a sock and his manly aroma impregnated upon the sofa for the rest of the year. This is believed to have brought good luck to the family and they would be excused from helping with New Years Dave’s celebrations the next time he came along.

So, everyone, be on the look out for New Years Dave. He’s on his way!

As this extract from Chaucer puts it:

And so can ye sense it in the air
Ye smell of vomite everywhere
Beckons forth with sentiment grave
The coming on of New Years Dave

Be he a spirit? Be he a devil?
Be he everso full with ale?
Be he shouting at your cat?
Be ye careful – step over ye doormat

For New Years Dave is here again
Cigarettes snaffled from round a drain
And things unmentionable in his beard
New Years Dave is to be feared

Let him not into your abode
Give him not your festive food
Hand him not a wassailing cup
And your daughters, keep lock-ed up.

Things you never see on the internet

Alf — Mon, 26 Dec 2005 17:52:00 +0000

(click for detail)

Your guide to your Christmas chocs

Alf — Thu, 22 Dec 2005 12:05:00 +0000

Roses:
Orange Mush: Thin chocolate shell containing hydrogenated vegetable oil and orange flavour chemicals
Strawberry Gak: With a filling discovered at the bottom of a pond, this sweet is encased in mercury-enriched SoyChoc
Hazelnut Reaction: Chocolate-style candy product with a nut-style additive.
Goldenish Barrel: Moist, whipped centre with a sparse covering of stuff
Praline Thing: Stuff. In stuff. Tastes a bit nutty. Like a mental squirrel.
Hedgerow fudge: Collected by immigrants and digested by weasels. This is their output.
Chunky Truffle: Chunks of lard with enriched with crispy surprises.

Quality Street:
Toffee Finger: Stick in mud
Toffee penny: Stone in mud
Coffee creme: Mud in different mud
White chocolate surprise: Last year’s milk chocolate with that special “bloom” on it to make it white

Miniature Heroes:
Mr Little
Super Tiny Weeny Man
The Dot
Gnatwoman
Electron-Microsope-O
The Ultra Violet

Celebrations:
Mars: The bringer of war
Milky Way: Not as good as it used to be
Bounty: On the Mutiny
Falaffel Treat: Chick pea, onion and garlic goodness. Enrobed in chocolate. (Limited edition)